Oh fuck do I ever hate Katy Perry. All fucking summer long I’ve had to hear that overproduced, autotuned bucket of shit she calls “California Gurls.” (It’s “Girls,” Katy. “Girls.”)

I hate Katy Perry for that goddamned song. It is AWFUL. Ear rape. So fuck her for that. And have you seen the video? Candy Land rape.

That alone puts her on the list of people I’d smack across the face – figuratively – if I ever saw them. FUCK her.

Beyond the here and now, though, my hate runs much deeper. There’s also her “origin story.” Christian girl sings gospel, pursues commercial success; fails. Reinvents herself by kissing a girl and liking it. Parents disapprove, but …

Title says it all, huh?

I kissed a girl. Fuck. I hate this song. Absofuckinglutely hate it. It’s everything wrong with 21st century American views on sexuality. It’s supposed to somehow be salacious that she would kiss a girl and like it, hope her boyfriend don’t mind it. FUCK that. I wish some real butch lesbian would grab her by her extensions and kick the shit out of her scrawny pancake ass. Hey – Katy Perry – I know you have a Google alert set up for yourself. You’re not as shocking as you seem to want to be. No one cares except your evangelical parents. (And I hate them – evangelicals – too … but that’s another topic, for another post, another day.) Take your mumbling incoherent “comedian” boyfriend and bookie-wook and go die. Preferably a long, tone deaf death.

And, I’m pretty sure, on that same album she has a song called UR so Gay.

First off, what the fuck is this chick doing to the English language? More importantly, fucking homophobe. So blatantly exploitative.

And her outfits. Oh fuck. So stupid. I don’t know shit about clothes, but fuck. Really? You’re trying too hard. Much, much too hard. It was pretty funny when she fell down and ate shit, though. So a +1 to her for that.

She has the dead eyes of washed up porn star. Enjoy your 15 minutes, hon. And save your money. Dear God, please save your money. No one wants to hear 30 year olds “sing” about beaches and chapstick and shit.

I fucking hate Katy Perry.