Oh fuck do I ever hate Katy Perry. All fucking summer long I’ve had to hear that overproduced, autotuned bucket of shit she calls “California Gurls.” (It’s “Girls,” Katy. “Girls.”)

I hate Katy Perry for that goddamned song. It is AWFUL. Ear rape. So fuck her for that. And have you seen the video? Candy Land rape.

That alone puts her on the list of people I’d smack across the face – figuratively – if I ever saw them. FUCK her.

Beyond the here and now, though, my hate runs much deeper. There’s also her “origin story.” Christian girl sings gospel, pursues commercial success; fails. Reinvents herself by kissing a girl and liking it. Parents disapprove, but …

Title says it all, huh?

I kissed a girl. Fuck. I hate this song. Absofuckinglutely hate it. It’s everything wrong with 21st century American views on sexuality. It’s supposed to somehow be salacious that she would kiss a girl and like it, hope her boyfriend don’t mind it. FUCK that. I wish some real butch lesbian would grab her by her extensions and kick the shit out of her scrawny pancake ass. Hey – Katy Perry – I know you have a Google alert set up for yourself. You’re not as shocking as you seem to want to be. No one cares except your evangelical parents. (And I hate them – evangelicals – too … but that’s another topic, for another post, another day.) Take your mumbling incoherent “comedian” boyfriend and bookie-wook and go die. Preferably a long, tone deaf death.

And, I’m pretty sure, on that same album she has a song called UR so Gay.

First off, what the fuck is this chick doing to the English language? More importantly, fucking homophobe. So blatantly exploitative.

And her outfits. Oh fuck. So stupid. I don’t know shit about clothes, but fuck. Really? You’re trying too hard. Much, much too hard. It was pretty funny when she fell down and ate shit, though. So a +1 to her for that.

She has the dead eyes of washed up porn star. Enjoy your 15 minutes, hon. And save your money. Dear God, please save your money. No one wants to hear 30 year olds “sing” about beaches and chapstick and shit.

I fucking hate Katy Perry.

Goddamn it Brett Favre. Here we fucking go again.

You know why I hate Brett Favre? Because I used to like the guy. He popped pills, he pounded beers, he beat the Cowboys (FUCK the Cowboys), he won a Super Bowl, he stayed with his wife when she was sick (FUCK John Edwards), and he seemed like he didn’t take himself too terribly seriously.

Now, motherfucker acts like Hamlet. To play or not to play. Who gives a fuck? Shit or get off the pot. I get it, you’re old and football is physically (and mentally and emotionally) exhausting. But fuck. Play. Or not. Either way, stop talking about it. Stop making Peter King talk about it. Fuck.

Worse even than the will he-won’t he-bullshit is this:

Wranglers, motherfucker. Wranglers.

Really, dude? Wranglers? The fuck?

Are you broke? Just trashy? I don’t get it.

And beyond the questionable taste in denim, 3 out of the last 4 years (Note: maybe not a real statistic…) you’ve thrown awful, awful season-ending interceptions.  That one against the Eagles? Horrible. Against the Saints last year? Are you trying to foreshadow the fine work of Payton Manning? Fuck. Worst of all, the one against the Giants. You broke those bikini girls‘ hearts!

Just quit and be done with it. Or play. Whatever. I’m tired of hearing about it. Your ankle … blah blah blah.

I hate you. I fucking hate Brett Favre.

For our first foray into Daily Hate, let’s start with this motherfucker. Bono. Goddamn, I hate Bono.

I hate this motherfucker for so many things, it’s hard to know where to start. Let’s start with the overly earnest, save the world and everyone in it bullshit. Meanwhile, he and his shit band fly everywhere, sell wrist bands (probably) made from petroleum-based products, wear leather, dye their graying air, and continue making shitty music. Fuck Bono. Fuck U2. Fuck everything they did after the Joshua Tree. Some people say Achtung Baby was good. I say, fuck them too.

Look at this picture.

This motherfucker

I cancelled my subscription to Time after this. Not hyperbole. For real. Fuck Bono and fuck Time. Look at that abortion of a fucking leather jacket. Those stupid hipster fucking sunglasses. His ridiculous balding hair. Your hair is GRAY, Bono. Your hair is gray. The end. Stop dying it. And what the fuck is with that pose? You’re no messiah. You’re not even Judas.

You want to save the world? Stop talking about it. Stop touring. Go get your hands dirty, you phony, preachy wannabe martyr; go dig wells. Fuck, donate some money. You can spare it, you little shit. Stop preaching about the World Bank. Stop “testifying” before the UN. You’re a musician, a goddamned musician. Not a saint. Not a saint.

Can Bono save the world? Take yourself seriously much? I hope you die.

Fuck, half the time I agree with your politics, yet I still want to bludgeon you unconscious with a potato. Why is that? Because you never fucking shut up. FUCK. OFF.

I fucking hate Bono.